Review: Jeans

Jeans are the trademark look of the Apple culture, alongside VW Bugs and Starbucks coffee. Unlike most people, the purchase of said jeans was purely for my adaptation to cold weather.

I have been used to wearing shorts all my life, rarely putting on anything longer unless called for by a special event or those damned school uniforms. Plus, hot weather makes pants a horrible choice. Yet the dozens of people I run into each day seem to differ, acting as if every day in 75 degree weather with a slight breeze is a day in Antarctica, wearing trademarked obscenities that I am sure would not fend against a polar bear attack. Instead it might deceive a male polar bear to start mating with an unsuspecting fashionista whose sense of temperature is off.

I was shocked to learn that Jeans, first and foremost, require a belt. The belt serves no purpose but to make up for the lack of a comfortable fit. Luckily this add-on has been outsourced to various third parties so you are not stuck with paying too much for proprietary clothing accessories.

But the caveats do not end there. One thing that seriously bothers me is the waggly appendage of a pocket. They are all too deep and long. If they were any longer I’d be able to fit in a crowbar, which we all know comes in handy for opening your car door or unlocking your bike,because there is no way in hell you’re getting out those keys. Then there is the issue with that very, very tight and small pocket located towards the waist. Before Apple introduced the iPod Nano in late 2005, no one knew what to do with this pocket. It took an MP3 player of such small size to subside the anger of many jean owners who knew that this pocket was so useless.

In what may seem like another conspiracy against the jean industry, electronics don’t survive in pockets during vigorous workouts. We all sweat one time or another, but the close proximity of the pocket and the leg plus the lack of any real shielding causes sweat to get through,making my iPhone slightly wet. I could pass off the iPhone as a gym goer, which should convince people that is how it got so slim. This is not ideal.

However, there are some major benefits. One is the secret cult one joins when buying and wearing a pair of jeans. Forget the fashion status, but then again, I’ve said too much.